I had long since been approved for disability. My psychotic symptoms were a part of my existence as familiar to me as how I would react to the foods I consume. I could recognize the beginning and know what was soon on it's way.

With this level of understanding came with it a high level of functioning. Knowing the experiences would soon manifest as well as their duration allowed me to remain in control of my wits to the point wear it didn't produce the tiresome effects of masking.

Unfortunately, the mercilessness of schizophrenia can, in the darkest moments, make a psych ward visit the best option available.

It began as a standard intake session. Questions asked. My answers were typed. Then schiz threw me a curve ball. Each time the doctor typed my reply to her inquiry, audible and articulate words would emerge from the key board. Threats. Death Threats. Statements suggesting the doctor was lying to me. I couldn't complete the intake procedure.

I clearly explained what was taking place as clearly as I typed it now. I told the doctor that I required immediate treatment. She refused, kept typing, and caused life threatening statements to chip away at my sanity. I gave a calm final warning that I required medication. She typed more death threats and I retaliated with an act of violence. I was placed in a low functioning unit as a result.

The behavior of the other patients only worsened my condition. The unit itself was funded by those who had no respect for basic needs. There were ways in which it was worse than television drama. I didn't belong there, I couldn't have been more civil upon requesting my needed meds. My placement in that unit was not a medical treatment. It was a punishment.

The perks of keeping a journal or making art. When I'm in an episode, I have such a need to get my thoughts and feelings out there (depending on the content).

This is something I'm encouraged to do by a few people, professionals and friends mostly. In the moment it helps. I don't have to shout and scream, I can do it on a page.

Looking back over these pages when I'm thinking more clearly is so challenging. I can see just how much I was suffering at that time. l've destroyed art l've made in psychosis, because I worried viewing it would make it come back.

I keep my journals from psychosis hidden away and don't touch them if I'm doing a bit better. It takes a lot of fortitude to go back into the thoughts you were having, the feelings you felt, what the voices told you.

But it can make you feel grateful when the tide of symptoms recedes.

Its always been a double edge sword. On one hand, it can be relatable. The feelings of paranoia and seeing crazy monsters, I feel that a lot. But on the other hand, that paranoia can leak to me. For a long time I would force myself to listen to creepypastas hoping it’d desensitize me and it kinda worked in some ways but kinda made me worse in others.

Delusions of surveillance are exactly what they sound like. It presents when the psychotic person knows, in their reality, that they are being spied upon. It isn't always as simple as stating that one feels as though they are being watched. It can be taken to such an extreme that the patient is driven crazy in the truest sense of the word.

Imagine that a psychotic person is so deep in this delusion that he believes their are thermal cameras in the surrounding homes being watched by body language experts and lip readers. The person will undoubtedly spend his time in what should be his private safe space watching every movement he makes. Making sure not to mouth any words. Doing so would give away secrets he's trying to hide from the mysterious "they" that spies upon him.

The most bizarre extremes can even make a reader unsettled. The psychotic person can believe that there are hidden devices tracking his eye movements. Eye movements that can reveal information about his truthfulness and state of mind. Spending all of one's energy controlling eye movements for the purpose of not giving away secret information is enough to cause a breakdown in those with no mental illness. Think not? Let it last years. Years is too cruel. Give one a go.

The wild examples of surveillance are endless. They can dominate a psychotic person's life for as long as the delusion is held. At the very least it will create a life of misery. At worst? It's not hard to imagine it causing a full on break down. Not hard at all. It's happened.

It's important for psychotic people to have a personal support system. It can consist of family. It can be made up of friends and acquaintances. They're all individuals that are vital to one's stability. Unfortunately, psychotic symptoms can make these relationships difficult if not impossible to maintain.

It's a catch 22. The very thing psychotic people need support for is the very thing that can run supportive people away. It often happens as a direct result of persecutory delusions. The people in the support system may end up getting accused of mistreating the psychotic person so frequently that they simply can't withstand the endless false accusations.

The sad and unfortunate truth that psychotic individuals have to accept is that they can't fault their supportive friends from either wanting space or having the desire to cut ties permanently. Regardless of whether or not the psychotic person is at fault, they have to accept that they weren't being very friendly toward their personal support system.

The only option psychotic people have is to give people their desired space and hope for the best.

I feel like there should be a lot more work done with how psychosis is presented in the mental health field. I think many professionals and those who are studying mental health (whether to be a therapist, psychiatrist, or some other similar profession) simply don't know how to deal with psychotic patients, because what they're shown of it in their years of studying often just isn't realistic to many actual psychotic people and/or isn't enough to encompass the diverse amount of psychosis they might see in psychotic patients. Becoming a mental health professional can take years of studying, so many days of training, and countless hoops to jump through to be considered "ready"; and yet, even with all of this, many are still completely unprepared to deal with a psychotic patient who doesn't fit a very specific, very predictable narrative.
I think it would be a lot more beneficial to the field as a whole if professionals had to take more time to study the specifics of psychosis and how to handle a variety of different psychotic scenarios or patients, as psychosis is a fairly common experience in a wide range of disorders (and even present in otherwise perfectly healthy people) and yet it seems to be very overlooked and ignored.

Does anyone else feel like psychosis completely warps their perception of time? Whenever medicated I feel like time moves normally, but when not medicated I feel like hours can go by in what feels like seconds one day and a few hours can feel like weeks the next day.

 It seems pretty standard to talk about psychosis related to external people or things, but I almost never see much talk about delusions or psychosis which affects the perception of oneself. I'm sure it must be more common than it is talked about, especially in the case of (fairly common) grandiose delusions. I wonder why it isn't as talked about, though, even in the psychosis community itself; I wonder if it's because delusions related to other people often seem more 'harmful' or externally destructive, because it could damage relationships with others or cause conflict, while identity delusions are only really harmful or conflicting for oneself.

Does anyone else with a physical disability ever have doctors blame their physical illness symptoms on their psychosis? I feel like doctors sometimes don't even look for any physical issues if you have a psychosis diagnosis, they just assume your physical issues must be a psychological problem instead. I'd frequently complain about unusual intestinal symptoms and pain issues and have it blamed on 'hallucinations', without the doctors even looking into any potential physical conditions/issues that could be causing it instead (I don't even have medically recognized hallucinations). I've also heard of this happening to others, but I wonder how common it is to be medically gaslit when having a psychotic disorder diagnosis.